[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
We’ll have a ball.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Hey baby, wanna witness a gamma ray burst?
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
You look good on your yoga mat.
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
What quarantine really taught me?
That you don't really need fun to have alcohol.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
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