You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
Hey baby, you’ve captured my eye. Could I have it back?
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Are you a fire detector?
Because you're loud and annoying.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
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