Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
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