When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Can I hiber-mate with you?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
"Here for the right riesling."
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Should we go out on Friday? Isla pick you up at 7.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
Nice pumpkins!
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
My golf number may not be that good but my phone number sure is!
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
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