Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Isabella Isabeauty for sure
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
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