Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
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