Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
In space, no one can hear us scream.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Why did the bus driver stay out all night? He was 'driving' around town!
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
Go to BabaMail
