Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
I’m elf-taught.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Funny meat-ing you here.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
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