In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Nice pumpkins!
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
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