"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Nothing really mattress.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
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