Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
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