I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
I bet you’re really flexible.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
I think I found my perfect match
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
I find my core strength in you.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
My lead off's not great, and though I may be off base, I'd like to take you on a date.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
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