What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Cutest clover in the patch.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
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