What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
Your mausoleum or mine?
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
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