De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
He’s my pinch charming.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Is your Spotify working? Because I would love you to join my family plan.
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Beach, please.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
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