Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
I am a mean green machine.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
Sip, sip, horray!
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