What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
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