My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
All you need is MY love
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
Books are my kind of texts.
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
I really caribou-t you.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
When are you due back in heaven?
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
Go to BabaMail
