What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
You’re my heartthrob.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
I Wanna Be Your Man
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
I could never Passover you.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
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