My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
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