I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
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