What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."

Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?

Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.

Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.

Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.

How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.

A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."

I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.

Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.

If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.

Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’

I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.

What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school

What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.

Grate.

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.

What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln

What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.

What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus

So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?

Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.

Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!

Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.

Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.

"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips

I am looking for a leash-free relationship.

Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.

I wish you were a fish in my dish.

My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.

What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!

Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.

I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it

What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.

Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?

Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.