It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Beauty is only pig skin deep
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
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