Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
"Partners in wine."
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Don’t moss around.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Skiing is believing!
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
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