Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
"Just one hot chick."
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Join us for a slice of fun.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
Go to BabaMail
