What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
"Bugs and hisses."
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
I want you for no raisin.
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
You're kind of ugly and fat. Lucky for you, I'm into those things.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
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