Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
"You're a real good egg."
Can I Alp you?
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
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