"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"You're a real good egg."
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
The calm before the score
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
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