Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
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