“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.

A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.

.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.

My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!

Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip

The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.

Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.

What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.

What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.

What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.

"Running makes me feel less like I want to kill people."
From a runner's T-shirt

Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.

What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.

How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!

Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun

Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?

Deaf mute gets new hearing

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!

An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.

“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin

I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison

You octopi my thoughts.

“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote

How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.

What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.

You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.

You are so right. And I am so left.

“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus

What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.

A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson

“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault

The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."

I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"

Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.

“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous

What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.