The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Every time I look at you, I feel like an astronaut. Your beauty makes me float.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
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