Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
"No body won the skeleton race."
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
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