My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
I like your tight end
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Is your father a boxer?
Because baby, you're a knockout.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
"Alcohol you later."
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
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