I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Variety is the ice of life.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
I dreamt about you. You died.
Join us for a slice of fun.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
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