Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.

What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid

How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms

You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.

Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous

"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr

Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.

What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.

Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.

Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.

What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.

What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef

I love spending koala-ty time with you.

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.

How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!

"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain

Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.

“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!

There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

Something in the way you move attracts me like no other

There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.

What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West

What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.

They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.

Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.

My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.

Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?

How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.

Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.

In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C

Cell phones are a static symbol.

The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.

I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie

Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips

Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.

You are my butter-half!

My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"