At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.

What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!

Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!

When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.

What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.

Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.

What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!

Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones

My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB

“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”

- Anthony Anderson

There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.

What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!

Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.

Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.

I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!

That’s a-may-zing!

What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.

Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.

Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois

There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!

Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?

What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.

You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!

What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"

"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down

My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".

I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.

I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.

It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".

Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.

What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!

The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.

I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.

"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills

What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.