Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Are you a bookmark? Because I keep rereading the pages you are on!
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
Writers have great climaxes.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Just brew it!
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
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