If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
Yoda one for me!
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
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