“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
A witch burnt her butt on a candle.
She was angry. It was such a scandal.
She jumped on her broom
And zoomed to her doom.
Went too fast, so she flew off the handle!
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
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