What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
The weather outside is snow joke.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
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