Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
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