Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I can sea clearly now.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
I’m fondue you.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
I have a heart-on for you.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
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