I came here looking for a little tail.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Feeling fintastic.
We make a great pear
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
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