Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Did Texas survive last week's winter storms?
Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
For instant fun, just add water.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
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