Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
After all is sled and done.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I love you so fairy much.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
I love your energy.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
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