"You make me egg-static."
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
I beg your garden?
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
(Staring at boxes of cereal) I treat all boxes with respect.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What's an inmates favorite fishing equipment? Jail bait.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur.
Arfur who?
Arfur got!
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
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