My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
We like to paddy.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
Are you a mosquito? ‘Cause I’m a sucker for you.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
Who’s your paddy?
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
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