What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Seas the day.
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
I love all of your stratified layers!
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
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