Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
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