Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
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