French people give me the crepes.

You’ve been working too yard.

I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.

Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!

With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.

What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.

What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!

I’m a fraction – be my other half.

When we met, it was love at frost sight.

Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.

If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?

Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.

What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.

Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.

Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.

There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!

Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.

What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.

Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.

A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."

Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?

On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.

Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!

Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.

Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!

The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.

What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.

“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner

What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.

"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"

Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.

Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!

What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny

My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.

“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan

What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!

I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.

What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.

What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.

What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.

What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous

Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.