I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.

What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.

There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.

Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz

What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane

What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?

What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!

I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.

What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.

How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”

Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!

Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.

What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”

What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.

Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

Knock knock.
Come in.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.

What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.

A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."

“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”

- Erma Bombeck.

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown

Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.

If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.

What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"

What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.

“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”

There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.

Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.

I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.