In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
"Happy eggster."
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
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