You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”

- Peter Gallagher

I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.

Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.

What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.

What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.

How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!

What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.

Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.

What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.

Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!

What part of the military do zombies serve in?
The marine corpse.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!

What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.

I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.

"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."

"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday

Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.

What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.

I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.

"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones

What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.

I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute

What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!

"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White

“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel

Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!

How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.

When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time

What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.

How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.

What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.