What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
As it snow happens.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
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