I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
Reading is a novel idea.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
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