Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
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