My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Birch, please.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
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