I like Ronaldo, But I'd like to get Messi.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
He threw three free throws.
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
I goat this.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
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