Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”

"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."

I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!

My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.

You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.

What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.

What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.

What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.

What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?

First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.

Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!

Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.

What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.

Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.

My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.

Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.

What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.

My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!

I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.

I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?

Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!

Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!

What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.

“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson

A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.

What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.

My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.

What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.

Up to snow good.

In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.

What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!

“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.

I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.

What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.

What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.

“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous

What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.