I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Knock knock.
Come in.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
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