What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
Wow, you drive me Davi
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
You and I could totally melt my igloo.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
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