Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.

A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!

"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown

“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”

- Jeff Foxworthy.

What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.

Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.

Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.

It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.

“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams

I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them

What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!

We are mint to be.

I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.

I think, therefore I’m single.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”

- Gracie Allen

A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.

Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.

How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.

I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.

You're a beluga in this sea of cod.

“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”

- Bette Davis.

Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.

I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.

This s***ty toilet broke down again!

If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you

What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?

Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.

What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.

Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner

What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!

What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.

“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown

Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.

What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.

An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.

Join us for plenty of play action.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gladys
Gladys who?
Gladys Friday, finally the weekend starts!

If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”