Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Stay true to your shelf.
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