I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Better read than dead.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
"Eggs-cuse me."
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Poor white splash.
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