"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
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