Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
I'm pine-ing for you.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
The snuggle is real.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
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