I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
All you need is MY love
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
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