Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
At the baking competition in October, the chef said that he had eyes on the pies!
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Go to BabaMail
