What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Can I claim your baggage?
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Distill my beating heart.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
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