I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
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