Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Let’s get elf-ed up.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
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