My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
If you were here, Abby all over you
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
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