Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
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