French, French Revolution
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
I’m fondue you.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
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