The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
"Alcohol you later."
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Treat yo shelves.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
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