Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
You raise the bar.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
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