Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
We are mint to be.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
You're acute Valentine.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
What do you call children who are born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts.
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